College is Chaos

Confession: I have been trying to write this post for over a week now.

But my midterms this semester all line up so that they are one right after another, and the cycle is continuous. I am the chief cook in our apartment, and trying to run a volunteer squad for a charity week with student government, all while training for a half marathon.

My life has boiled into utter chaos.

I lost control this week and spent the first half of the week completely falling apart. I couldn't handle things, I couldn't cope, and I was literally losing it. I spent hours on the phone with my mom crying and just unable to pull myself together.

But I finally did. It took dropping something off my plate (grad school) and realizing what my goals really are. I want to be a high school athletic trainer. I want to get my bachelors in athletic training with a minor in business management, and I want to work. I don't need to go on and get a higher degree right now, but I don't have to close that door forever. I could go back to school later on if I want!

It also took changing some of my habits to start putting myself and my mental health first. This means waking up early in the morning and starting my days off by studying my scriptures and going through some yoga routines to help wake myself up and get the day going. This means eating healthy. It means ditching class for taco tuesday, and spending my friday afternoon watching friends instead of going straight into homework. It means reaching out to old friends and finding people to do stuff like go to the football game with instead of just staying home with netflix. It means making to-do lists and not beating up on myself when things don't get done. It means prioritizing my happiness above other things and remembering to breath.

Things will work out! Life is chaos! But it doesn't have to be, and I can learn to thrive on the chaos.

So it's time to plug my headphones in, work on smiling more, and just relax and take each day as it comes, grateful that I have it :)

-M

Free Pens Man

Confession: I have never bought a pen in college and that's all I use to take notes with.

I just get them all for free. Like today, for example, I got three new pens from the grad school fair.

I figure for the stress and anxiety they cause me, I deserve at least a pen, right?

Grad School is one of those things that just looms over my head in a way. Sometimes it can be hard to get through the day when I think about the fact that I'll be working my way through days like this for the next seven years of my life. But it'll be worth it, right? To be that smart, to have the qualifications that I'll have, and to be able to help people the way I want to.

School is one of those things that I love. It can be hard, but in the end it is so worth it. I have a bunch of midterms this week, and while they are stressing me out, I think about something I heard this summer, about how taking tests mean were worthy of being tested. It's almost a month into school, and I have learned enough to be worthy of being tested! I am learning and growing every day and I think that it is one of the greatest things I could be doing. I mean, I got an 85% on my finance midterm today, and while I was a bit disappointed at first (perfectionist here, sorry), I had to take a step back.

I have never studied finance before this year. These are all new concepts to me. Brand new. And I have worked hard enough to take a midterm and only miss three questions on it! That's pretty darn impressive!

So anyway, just grateful to be able to be at such an amazing university where I get to learn and grow and prepare for everything that I want to accomplish in the future (and stock up on free pens while I'm at it)

-M

Labor Day of No Work

Confession: I have done basically nothing today and it is driving me crazy.

When you have a three day weekend this early in the school year, you aren't behind yet, so you don't have copious amounts of school work to catch up on. You just made it back to town, so you haven't made any plans with friends to get out of town. It's just a lull day, and I have spent it doing almost nothing.

 C and I stayed up until 2 last night watching Mean Girls after playing games with friends, so I don't feel completely lame (as opposed to my roommates who were all in bed, lights out by 11....) but it still feels as though I should be doing something more.

 C, R and I all went and did some homework by the pool earlier (I know, my apartment complex has a pool. Greatest thing ever. Especially since it's been in the high 90's all week!), so I was a bit productive. I got ahead in my econ reading (an exact quote from one of my books is "Poverty is a bitch." Really wasn't expecting that and it cracked me up pretty good!!) and read An Abundance of Katherines by John Green (love him, don't love that book tbh).

Other than that I have done almost nothing all day and it has me feeling rather blah. Like I need to go out and do. Like I'm wasting my life. The problem I have right now is that everything I see and want to go do is back home, like Mailbox peak and Mt. Si and everything that was on my to-do list for this summer but fell behind work in priorities. As great as my jobs were this summer, it was really hard to feel like I had four months at home and really only spent one week doing adventurous fun things. I don't like that.

Anyway. My options for tonight are either to hit the gym or hike the Y. Honestly, I'm happy doing either, but my guess is that hiking the Y is going to give me the adventure rush that I'm needing. The other problem I have is that the people that always hiked it with me last year are either at school in california, or serving a mission, so I'm left by myself (C has already said absolutely not) or I have to find someone else and I really don't want to find anyone else.

So who knows what I'll end up doing tonight!
-M

Emotions Are On Edge

Confession: Water For Elephants made me cry last night

Backstory: Water For Elephants (by Sarah Gruen) is one of my favorite books in the world. I love it beyond words and I read it all the time. C also loves the book (possibly as much as I do, but I doubt it), and so for Christmas last year, I got her the DVD. We never got around to watching it last year, so I had never seen it, but last night, after our celebratory we-didnt-die-the-first-week-of-school pizza, we cuddled up for a movie night, and oh my goodness. It took my breath away. Now I don't think the movie was actually that good, it was just something about the timing and the way it was done. And the final line (spoiler alert) of "i'm not running away, I'm running home" just killed me. Tears streaming down my face killed me. C and R were looking at me like "what the hell is wrong with you" and I was just sitting there crying.

Something about running home. Being home. Making you're home wherever you are, and doing what you want and what makes you happy. That's what I want. I want to be happy. I'm just still figuring out how. I'm having issues with my body again and I don't like it, but I also don't like what I look like and that needs to change. More salad and fewer bagels I guess.

Who knows. For now, all I can agree on is to never watch Water For Elephants with a guy that I like, and that papa murphys pizza solves all.

-M

Adjusting

Confession: I know I've said this before, but I really don't adjust well.

I'm struggling. I hate moving to new places and figuring out new things. I still feel as though I don't have anywhere that I belong or anyone who wants me around and it's just hard. I don't feel home yet in the new apartment. I don't feel used to being back on campus. I'm just overall homesick and want to be anywhere but here, and mostly want to be home.

Or really to just not feel like this.

And I know that there are things I can do to get this feeling to go away, like go for a run or go to the temple or something, but I don't want to do any of that, I just want to be done with this and have it gone. I don't want to deal with this. Honestly, I'm still wound up from working so much this summer and I just want to relax, but I have no where to relax. I can't just flop onto my bed because its a bunk bed and I ended up with the top bunk, and that's really hard. It's so inconvenient to get up and down that I just don't have the energy to do it. My bed has been my place to just be for forever and I feel really lost now that I don't have that.

I just want to feel at home.

So for now, I'm listening to a ten hour thunderstorm on youtube.
Wish me luck,
-M

I Think Utah Has It Out For Me

Confession: I am extremely out of shape.

Now two commons responses to me saying this are 1. So is 75% of America, why does that matter? or 2. You ran 3 miles this morning. You are not out of shape.

3 miles and I died. See, I am from the great Pacific Northwest. Where it is sea level. And the air is like 90% oxygen (that is obviously exaggerated). And here in the not-as-great city of Provo Utah, the elevation is much much higher, and the air is like 10% oxygen (also exaggerated, cut me some slack).

SO when I go running, I can't breath. My poor lungs are trying as hard as they can to get oxygen, and there just isn't as much of it. They aren't used to it yet! I understand that I will adjust, I did last year just fine. It just takes time to get to that point, and I haven't gotten there yet.

The other way Utah is killing me? The Heat.

Ohmygoodness I am dying. Back home we had a very mild summer. Yes it got hot and I got whiney. But not this hot. I did not grow up in a place where it is this hot and I really hope and pray that after college I never have to live in a place that is this hot. The 95 degree days are killing me and I just need for it to cool down to sweater weather. (this problem is compacted by the fact that I am a cold sleeper, and I am in a top bunk. Heat rises, and I sweat through my blankets.

It was so hot on my run yesterday that I woke up at 6 this morning to go before the sun came up. It was a struggle, but I did get a pretty great view of the mountains, and a nice way to start off the day.

Then I got to climb up the 108 steps to get to class. I sincerely hope that by the end of the year, I am not as winded from those!

Have a great final day of august blogosphere!
-M

First Day of the Fall Semester 2016

Confession: As much as I love school, I really hate the first day of classes.

It is 2:06 and I am sitting on the slab bench in the Harris Fine Arts Center and I, M, have survived the first day of school.

Finding buildings, meeting new people, not knowing whether to expect a syllabus day or to jump right in, I just don't like it. I am a very schedule oriented person, and when I have yet to figure out schedules and routines, it bothers me.

But hey! I survived the day! Luckily on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, I have two of my three classes with my best friend, C. I have a whole nother first day tomorrow, and no best friends built into my classes.

Speaking of C, the reason I am still on campus is because I don't feel like walking home alone, and she has another class until 3. So I am in the HFAC for an hour, which will probably become routine, as I love the HFAC and actually get a lot of homework done in it.

But none today. Because I forgot to stick my wallet in my backpack this morning (but hey I remembered my lunch so small victories) and what I need to do is buy an online textbook and access code for a class.

Access codes another thing I just don't like about school. If you're wondering what I'm talking about and why I don't like them, this article from buzzfeed will enlighten you.

https://www.buzzfeed.com/leticiamiranda/access-codes?utm_term=.xvGjmBrRB#.pvlY6GyxG

I have two textbooks that I can't sell back to the bookstore or to anyone used because I had to use the access code, and I had one that I had to spend $200 at the book store on instead of $20 on amazon because I had to buy the code that I will probably use 4 times this semester. Ugh.

But anyway. It's now 2:19, Mirrors by the one and only JT is pumping through my headphones, I've taught myself how to embed a link into a blog post, and I managed to track down my sister for an obligatory first-day-of-school photo for our mom, so I'm feeling pretty successful in life. Overall, I would count today as a win!

(especially because I get free pizza tonight at a church activity so I don't even have to feed myself tonight)

Until tomorrow,
-M

So Not Ready To Adult

Confession: I am so unprepared and not ready to be an adult

But here I am. Moved into a new apartment. With my two best friends and three other random girls (BYU does housing weird. That's a whole other story.) and it's terrifying. 

Also very crowded because things still aren't put away.

(This would be my bedroom. Full of 3 girls worth of clothes and shoes)

The kitchen cabinets are full with the other girls stuff, so we have to politely request that half of them get cleared out so that we can put our stuff away. 

The fridge is half full as we try to figure out how to feed ourselves (hopefully that will come quickly). 

My mom loaded me up with what she thought I would need, and I dropped her off at the airport this morning (no tear this year!)

Now for the fun blog posts to begin, as we learn through failure how to scrape our ways through adult life :)

-M

UPDATE: I officially succeeded at getting sharpie out of new jeans. I have adulted well once, I can do it again.

Just Set Me Loose In The Mall

Confession: I have a horrible love/hate relationship with shopping.

I love it. I love it more than is healthy and more than my wallet can afford.

But I also really hate it.

Now you may be saying "how can you love it and hate it, those are the two extremes, pick something in the middle." But for me, it is the two extremes.

I love going out and buying clothes, finding new things that flatter me. I love knowing that I am in style, and that I look good when I walk out of the house. I think it's really fun to try on shirt after shirt until I find the right color and the right shape and the right style. And don't even get me started on shoe shopping. I could shop for shoes until the day I died and never get tired of it.

But at the same time, it can be really, really frustrating. As someone who tries to follow strict rules of modesty and keep my body covered, it is nearly impossible to find clothes in the summer season. When it comes to pants, my options are jean or cut offs, and its too hot for jeans and I don't like wearing shorts that short. All I want is a nice pair of capris, but those are darn near impossible to find.

This can be rather stressful, as I go to a school that doesn't allow shorts above the knee. That means that starting in a week, I have one pair of pants that I am going to be relying on for pretty much everyday of the week. That's not good. That is actually very stressful. But I spent all day in the largest mall in my area, and I couldn't find capris in any of the stores that I went into.

Just in general it was a dismal shopping day. I found a few plain basics, but nothing fun. Nothing fashionable or super stylish. Overall, I feel like my closet is kinda bleh (and mostly white, grey and black...) and I just am at a loss of what to do to liven it up without breaking the bank.

Any suggestions? Cause this 19 year old could sure use some advice.

(Today's haul ft. my disaster of a room as I start to pack while continuing to work full time)

-M

Teaching the Teacher

Confession: One of my kids in swim lessons almost drowned yesterday.

Second Confession: This isn't the first time this has happened.

....Now at this point I'm sure you're wondering "why the hell is she still allowed to teach swim lessons?!"

To be fair, I'm not entirely sure. But I think it has to do with that key word almost and the fact that none of them have actually drowned.

But it has made me think. Yes, I am the teacher. But that doesn't mean that the kiddos haven't taught me anything. This summer I have taught approximately 400 swim lessons, to approximately 100 kids, and let me tell you, I think I have learned way more than they have (and before you crack jokes about the fact that no duh, if they're drowning then you haven't taught them to swim, I have had many children successfully learn how to swim partially due to my efforts.)

So what have I learned?

1. Kids do not have the same awareness as adults.
      Now before you look at me like I'm an idiot, hear me out. I can be spacey, and not connect dots. But I usually know if my clothing has fallen off. You have no idea how often I have had a little swimmer come over to me missing half or all of their swim suit, to which I then have to search around and figure out where it is and help them put it back on. All while they have no idea it was even missing.

2. Using superheros to teach is always more successful than being boring

3. There are some great parents, and some parents who could use some advice.
      There are some awesome parents out there. Super encouraging, very aware, and always looking for ways to build their kids up. They are the ones who ask you for advice, and follow through on it. The ones who help their kids feel empowered even when the lesson might not have gone as well as you hoped. They are the parents that are raising a generation that will overcome problems and lead the world.
       And then there are parents that could not care less. Parents who don't ask for your advice, and when you tell them important things, they shrug you off. Parents who yell at their children every class (I understand yelling at kiddos every once in awhile, but every class?). Parents who are teaching their child to be frustrated and impatient rather than understanding and kind.

4. Vaseline saves skin when you're in the pool for hours on end. So as weird as it may be, lube up. (I will never get used to that and it will never sound right.)

5. You never know what is going to come out of a kids mouth.
       Even when you know the kid, and you know what they usually say, they can still sometimes shock you.

6. Teaching 4 year olds how to swim is a complete workout. You may as well be wrestling a greased pig.

7. Sometimes you take on a job that you are completely unqualified for, and rise to the challenge.
      I ended up teaching lessons because I needed a job, and knew a lifeguard at the pool. I had taught preschool in the past, so I worked with kids before, but I had never seriously swam before. I was never on a swim team, and honestly hadn't really learned technique since I was in lessons myself. However, my boss saw potential, had me shadow a few lessons with her best instructors, and stuck me by myself with 5 6 year-olds in the pool and said "have fun!"And I did! It was scary, but there is nothing more rewarding than seeing a kiddo learn to do something that they thought was really hard. To see my level 3 kids go from scared of the deep head to diving is one of the highlights of my summer.

So, post swimming lesson advice from a barely qualified 19 year old? First off, never turn your back on kids. ever. And second, don't be afraid to try hard things. You never know how much you might learn about yourself.

-M

Waiting For School So I Can Relax

Confession: I can not wait to go back to college so that I can relax for once.

....That doesn't seem quite right. Shouldn't summer be the time where you relax, so you can gear up and work hard during school?

But alas. Summer has not been. As the hardworking child I am, I worked between 45 and 55 hours a week this summer. I am dead tired and ready to go back to school just so I can take a break!

But it's been a good summer. Working at the small restaurant in a local golf course has made me enough to pay for school (thanks to BYU and a scholarship) and I've had a lot of interesting encounters with customer and coworkers. Just the other day I had one guy tell me that I had made him the worst eggs of his life while another told me I made him the best breakfast he'd had in a long time.

But now I'm in the home stretch, with just two weeks left until I move back to Utah and start school again! Who knew a summer of hard work could make you so ready for a semester full of hard classes!

-M